Well I’ve been wanting to get this out in the open for a while but I just never had the chance to actually start writing. But I guess now is a better time than any to get it done. This is going to be about how my life came to where it is now and will explain how I came to be the type of person I am today. So let’s see where this story begins.
I guess this all starts back to when I was 9. Just like most traditional families now I was also raised in a very loving family. I was happy, truly happy. But the significance of this age was that it was the last year this happiness existed in my family.
I still remember day when I was 10 and woke up to my sister crying. I asked what was wrong and found out that she was crying because our parents were arguing over something and she told me she was soo scared that our parents would separate. I just replied don’t worry man that’s never going to happen. Little did I know that, that day was the beginning of what changed my family until this very day.
As the last couple of years passed in my primary school the arguments between my parents turned into fights. Verbal fights, physical fights you name it, I witnessed it all. My sis and I would always wake up to the screams of my mum and dad. We would always have to stay in the middle of them or even hold them back from hitting or hurting each other. I don’t know about you but that was too much of a task for my sister and I to take. Eventually this task became almost an occupation for us. The fights between my parents became soo frequent and worse. Sometimes they would happen at family outings where either my mum or dad just ends up walking home on their own. I believe the worst fight I experienced was when one night when it just got out of control to a point we had no power to stop them. The screams from my household were so bad that it attracted the attention of the police to my house. Unfortunately that still didn’t stop the fighting between my parents.
My sister and I would always try to stop the fighting. We had each other’s back. We were trying to salvage the good that remained in this god forsaken family. I hated these fukn fights I absolutely hated them. I hated waking up to screams every night, I hated waking up to see my parents injured every morning I hated the fact that my parents absolutely hated each other and I hated how deep in my heart I still loved them and so did my sister.
As the years passed with many nights of fighting, my sister began to hate my parents. I could see it as plain as daylight. That was when my happy sister who loved my parents vanished forever. And before I knew it she gave up on trying to stop the fighting. Leaving me to try and save the scraps of love that remained between my parents. But as I said before this was too much of a task for my sister and I, yet alone myself.
As even more time passed with sleepless nights and the sounds of screams ringing in my ears I too began to develop the hatred that my sister had towards my parents. I was about the age of 14 when I too gave up. At that time I actually didn’t think this affected me in anyway but little to my knowledge it changed me soo much. It all made me who I am today.
My life priorities are simply my friends above even myself and parents. That’s why I see it so strange when people prioritize their families over their friends in fact I think it pisses me off a little. I think it’s because I have the assumption that everyone feels the same way towards their parents as I do to mine obviously a very misinformed assumption. But I guess it can’t be helped for me. It’s good that that most people have a loving family. It’s good to see that not all parents fight each other every night and screw up their kids.
Then came my first girlfriend, my biggest and utter failure right there dating a girl who cheated on me but oh wells. Then came my second girlfriend, the girl I truly loved for who she was and made me feel loved. A feeling that I haven’t felt for years. It felt so indescribable knowing that I meant something to someone and having someone to give all the love that I couldn’t give to my parents. For once in my life I felt complete. I was truly happy once again. But that happiness was outlasted and everything I put into my first real relationship was thrown back to me the same way all my effort to save the love of my parents was thrown back.
Usually people who experienced all of this shit in their lives would come out retarded, emo or like dead. People are always whining about their lives saying its crap because of petty reasons like weight or how they look. There is just so much more people in the world with more worse off lives than what you think. You simply just can’t be so selfish thinking you’re the center of the earth with the worst problem. Well that’s what I say to myself and it’s what helps me get through my days with a smile on my face.
That’s my past for you I wish I could say things are better off now than they were all those years back but unfortunately I can’t. Every day I can see my family falling apart just that little more. My parents absolutely hate each other and my sister absolutely hates them. Coming home to a house where hatred is the prime emotion floating around isn’t exactly what I want to see when I come back from a long day at uni. To be honest, I don’t hate my parents as much as I used to in fact it simply just doesn’t bother me. And since im not so blind sighted by hatred like my sister I actually feel sorry for them, especially my dad. He works soo hard to put money on the table and comes home to a wife he knows hates him and a daughter who hates him too. All that he has left is me, the only one who doesn’t talk to him with a hateful tone. My mum on the other hand I know something is up, always talking on the phone to some guy. She can try and hide it from me but unfortunately I already know. There are days where she just disappears for a couple days or even just lies to me about where she’s been. I find it pretty funny to be honest hearing my mum tell me shes going to my aunt’s place then after 20 mins my aunt would call me asking where she is “ ohhhhh ….. wellssss” that’s really all I can say to that. My sister says that my parents are together because of me and her. But in fact I believe that I’m the prime reason why they’re still together. Don’t misunderstand me and think im being all up myself because that’s not true. The fact is my sister is always mean to my parents, she always glares them off and I don’t think there has been a day where she hasn’t acted rude towards them. I can see that both my parents easily favor me above her. Heck they still even say goodnight to me but not to her. I don’t blame my parents for acting this way because if I had a daughter like my sister, I’d hate her too. I really wish I wasn’t in this position being the prime reason why my family is still together I really don’t. I’ve even had days where my parents would talk to me asking me if they left would I go with them or ask me which one I love more. For the first question I would always reply ‘I don’t know’ I think that’s the only response that would get me out of a situation like that. As for the second question I would always answer I love u both the same which I can say is true because I don’t love either of them.
Being in a position to choose between parents is something we should ever experience and I think everyone would agree with me in that.
And now let’s talk about me. Well the main thing I want in life right now is to be happy and I have great friends to help me stay that way. I love them all soo much and I wouldn’t know what I would do without them. They’ve always been there for me whenever I needed them. They’ve done so much for me whether it was just taking my mind of things or just keeping me company you name it they’ve just done soo much for me. That’s why I love them all with all my heart and always will.
my life is just a mess but i'll eventually figure it out one step at a time
