well its been a while with the thought of her out of my head, almost succeeded phasing her existance out of my clouded thoughts. Until today, where i had a dream of her. i can keep her out of my head when it requires my own will its a shame my subconscious can not.
haha emotions they're such an annoying nuisance
Finally, i feel almost no emotional attachments to her. Took longer than i expected but i think im finally here. Maybe it i just needed time or maybe it was because of meeting new people yesterday, i dunno. But i do know that how i am now, my state of mind is exactly the way i wanted it from the very beginning. A state where i just no longer care anymore, no attachments to anyone but having people emotionally attached to me. im in a position where i can no longer feel the nuisance of sorrow, sadness and pity. Im finally back
to the new beginning
i just don't know what to write anymore, everything I'm feeling, everything thats pushing me down is just so indescribable. I'm beginning to feel more and more worthless as the days go by. I'm getting angrier and just more frustrated with everyone and at myself. It's becoming harder and harder to put on the happy image and pretend that I'm fine when everything isn't. I hate this feeling, its completely destroying me from the inside. sigh.... talking to my friends about this would be completely useless, seriously what can they do. It's not like they can take away my emotions with the snap of their fingers. Sometimes i just wish i never existed, all this shit is just too much of a burden to endure. What is wrong with me? i never used to be like this before. I hope its not because of the break up coz then that's just pathetic. ARHHH thinking of her just makes me soo fukn angry. One fukn year, ONE FUKN YEAR!! i gave up one year for her only to be shown that she didn't give a shit. I remember she said she wanted to be friends but i don't think i can be friends with someone as heartless as her. After re reading this it kind of makes it obvious I'm not over her just yet ...sigh. Why the fuck are these feelings coming now, why not when we actually broke up. Its fuckn bullshit.
Someone asked if i would get back with her if she asked me to. As ludicrous as that idea is, i really wouldn't know what i would do. I still love her and all but i don't think the connie i love is even there anymore. But then again such an idea is just laughable.
and thats my vent for today
Well its been a while after we turned from being one to being two. I keep telling myself that i've moved on but, every time i see her name, every time i see her face. why do i always feel so uneasy? is it hatred, anger, the fact that she shows almost no sign that she cared about me? I dont know....i really don't. I've tried to mend our friendship....well what's left of it. Every word that comes from her mouth just seems to irritate me, i'm probably just over thinking things. But why am i the only one trying to fix our friendship? Why isn't she lifting a finger to help make things the way they once were? Maybe I've just been clouded by my optimistic reasoning that she still cares about me in her own little self centered world. Maybe i was right from the very beginning that she never cared about me at all. If thats the case why should i keep trying to fix things with her when its so clear she doesn't even care about my existence. I'm really running out of trying here, I've been trying so hard this whole stupid year.
Our bond, what we had in the beginning. Maybe i should start asking myself if things will ever be the way they once were or if it'll just keep going down into the vortex of nothingness. So many questions, so many thoughts. I've had enough of wallowing in my own self pity. I think its time to put an end to this. If she doesn't care, i don't think i should care about saving what's left of what we once were.
Today I'm going to be seeing her with the rest of the group maybe what happens today will help make things easier to decide. Who knows right? Maybe I'll see what i've always wanted. Maybe it was for the best when my relationship door closed, it may have opened another to someone who really does care about me and accepts me for who i am. Or maybe thats just a bunch of optimistic bullshit, like how i thought waiting for someone for a fukn year would actually pay off.
i just want to erase everything
but i cant stop seeing your face
your probably already moving on
yet why cant i stop looking out my window
thinking about you
missing you
well the day dreaded and waited for the whole year, has finally come. i cant say i was surprised or shocked, i knew the moment i started talking her today it would be the end of us. no matter how hard i tried to convince myself that everything could be fixed, my mindset couldn't be changed. I'm just ....filled with the emotions of sadness, anger, everything. I don't know what to feel. She said she believes that we can still be friends, but she knows nothing of what i went through, what i had to put up with, what i've sacrificed for her. i guess she really didn't understand me at all......she never did.
Right now looking at the computer screen so many thoughts are just flowing through my head.
Why did she even choose to be with me?
Did i just waste a whole year waiting for someone who i thought loved me?
Did i fall in love with the wrong person?
Did her sister really convince her to be against me so easily?
Am i really just meant to be alone?
Can we really be friends and pretend none of this ever happened? i really don't know if we could ever go back to the way we were. i just have soo much hatred, anger, fukn everything towards her and even more directed to her sister. I just don't think I'd be able to hold all those emotions back at the sight of her but i know i'll have to try my best to. i really did love her after all, its the least i can do to repay her for all the happy times we were together.
i guess we had a good run its a shame it didn't last until the end. but thats life for you, full of disappointments one after the other, but its how we deal with them that defines who we are and who we become.
from our first kiss, to our last goodbye. im going to miss you heaps connie, farewell
contun is no more
no matter how hard i try to be optimistic about it i just cant seem to get all the terrible thoughts out of my head. i dont think anyone knows how im really feeling right now besides the small amount of people who just come across this blog. my friends, all of them think im fine because of the so called happy image i always present when im in person with them. sadly enough i think this year has made me even more better at hiding my feelings from everyone. the few people that have realized something was a tiny bit off about my attitude we're all so easily mislead to the lie that i was fine. its amazing how a couple of 'lols' and 'lmaos' can do that. i think there's only one person that can make me feel better but i doubt she even cares about me as much anymore.
i just wish things were the way they were a year ago. oddly i still have a spark of hope that things will change in the way i desire. although at the same time i see how almost impossible it really is. im trying to hang on but im just...................not sure if im .... i just dont know. theres soo much pulling me back and so little pulling me forward.
we'll just have to see how this plays out although the outcome im expecting isnt the one i want.
everyday you fukn complain about me, criticize everything i do even when i do things right u still always bring out the flaws from inside me and never appreciate what i do. thats why i hate u. you're one of the people in my life i hate the most, every little thing u do, every little thing u say irritates me and fukn frustrates me. just shut the fuk up i dont give a shit. you're the reason why i became who i am now. you're the reason why i hate my life. but most importantly why i fukn hate and dont give a shit about you.
you're nothing but one of the many great disappointments in my life
(fuk the commas)
Well it’s been a while since I’ve written on my blog, I guess I didn’t really want to say anything that would somehow affect her studies but I know that eventually what I’m feeling is going to come out whether or not I want it to. That’s when I decided today on my time on the train to uni today to actually do it. So lets begin.
I’m going to have to say the main thing on my mind is of course connie. So many days I go to bed thinking about her knowing she isn’t doing the same. So many days I try to get her attention knowing that I won’t get any. So many days I think of how long I can actually keep this up knowing that I’m almost sick of trying. One of the things I absolutely hate this year is when my friends ask me ‘have you seen connie lately?’ and I would always reply ‘no not really, I see her like once a term’ and then they would go ‘awww howcome doesn’t she make time to see u other days?’ these conversations would always end with me going ‘well she focusing on her studies this year.’ These conversations always make me sick to my stomach and put me on the edge of going emotional, if it doesn’t make me feel shitty for the rest of the day. But what can I say? I brought this upon myself just like all the arguments we have between us. It just always happens to be my fault and im the one who always ends up apologizing. I even remember telling her I don’t care if I hardly saw her, as long as I was with her I’d be happy. Haha easier said than done. You have no idea how hard it is to deal with the fact that you’re unable to see someone who’s so close to you. I didn’t really want to mention that because every time I do I think of Sophie and her bf and how hard it must be for them. It just makes me feel that my problem is so insignificant and that I’m complaining over nothing. And that’s why sophie will always be someone I admire for emotional strength.
As one day passes onto the next the more I realize how little we actually talk. I know she’s being distant with me for the time being so nothing emotional caused by me doesn’t affect her studies. Even so, I’m starting to think its doing more harm than good due to most of our problems revolving around that fact. My mind still doesn’t stop but wonder if it’s affecting her feelings towards me. there are also just days where she makes me so angry/annoyed when I let her off to study and find out later that she’s just ‘dramaing or gossiping’ to other people besides me when she knows we hardly talk. And one more thing that just put me so over the top and that was when she told me that her sister’s bf saying that I was a factor that compromised her mid year results. BULLFUCKIN SHIT I had none if not little influence over her results. Maybe they should be fucking looking at themselves because they’re the ones fucking always taking her out and preventing her from studying. Fucking hypocrites. I was so unbelievably angry when she told me this. Its been a long time since I’ve ever been this angry in my life and I’m someone not easily angered.
All these thoughts and even more used to keep me up so many nights but today on my 50 min train ride to uni I came to a realization. I’m meant to be someone who makes her happy not because im her boyfriend but her friend as well. It’s my role to keep her happy, to support her when she’s troubled, to be there for her when she’s sad and to love her to let her know she’s loved.
She doesn’t have to tell me for me to realize just how much she needs me even though she may not show it as well as others. And I know that she’ll appreciate it so much if I would still be there for her when this is all over. And that’s what I’ll do, to the best of my ability, because……….. I love her so much, because she’s the most important thing I have to look forward to at the end of the year, because she’s my light at the end of this tunnel.
I made it half way, so who says I cant make the distance.
Connie's soo wonderful
Connie's soo preciouss
I just love her
More than the whole wide world
Connie's just soo pretty
Truly the angel's best
God, im so happy
That I've been heaven blessed
I'll be your honey
Ill be your every all
Ill be your sunshine
when darkness falls
You're just soo lovely
And you'll always have all of me
i love you hun forever and ever
Overwhelming is all i can say. So many things in my head both good and bad and i dont even have enough time to think about them. I guess that's just how strict my time is. Everyday i'm becoming more and more annoyed, more and more angry. "Hey tunny how are yah?" "heys im fine".....im not. I wish i could tell people, especially her. But i cant, i dont know what tell her, i dont know what to say, i don't even know whats wrong with me. She's happy at the moment and i dont want that to change because of me. All i know is that this feeling is getting worse, i hate it...i hate it soo much. I hate it how i cant even tell anyone
I hate it how i have to keep pretending i'm fine
I hate it how no one can help me
I guess i'm going to have to handle this problem alone . . . . . . sigh
I guess its been ages since ive been with her soo much has happened in the mean time such as vce, friends, parents and all this other stuff. but i have to say at times she really does drive me crazy as well as make me angry either from not being able to see me or sometimes for just being herself. from our arguments of girls to poker its soo hard to believe how im still together with such an amazing girl. even though we have our ups and downs making us go crazy at each other i reckon its all worth it to have her with me. if that was the price to have her with me ill gladly do it again and again to keep her. ive never felt this way for anyone in my life before her, she's my world, she's my everything....everything i could ever want and more.
when she makes me angry its always soo hard for me to stay angry at her. i keep thinking of all the great times we've had together from our first kiss in the rain to the times i held her in my arms. is it really worth it to be upset at someone who has made me soo happy, soo loved? is it really worth it to be upset at someone you love when in that time u can be loving them instead? is it really worth it to be upset at the one who makes u feel special? all these questions just turn my anger into happiness.........i guess im luky to have someone to make me go soo crazy over them.
So many nights the thought of her has kept me up. she's always the one to bring me up when im down, she's always there to help me when i need help and she'll always be the one to have my love.
