Disappear

It’s been a while, and all I can say now is I’m going through hell. Uni is just completely swamping over my life, I would be ok if all my mental focus was only on my uni work but unfortunately, life just loves to turn things upside down for no reason. My mother is having an affair, but I have to say that’s not the main problem that’s affecting me. My dad can’t take it anymore, he’s sick of people asking if he’s divorced and I don’t think hearing that she’s been seen with another man helps him a huge deal either. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore every day just seems like every other .......worthless. I can’t focus in uni I can’t focus at home what the fuck am I meant to do?

My dad asked me if I was going to leave with him when he leaves and I said yes. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about my family being torn apart, I think about it every day. It’s the greatest burden I’ve ever had to carry on my shoulders in my entire life and no one can help me. I can’t handle this anymore the stress is just building up more quickly than I can expel it. The enormous amount of study I’m facing is getting greater and greater each day. More tasks are arising at home because my parents aren’t there to do them anymore. There’s nothing special about me, I’m not smart, not talented, I’m just an average person so why is this happening to me. Why can’t this happen to someone who’s actually strong enough to actually deal with this.

Some days when I finish from uni I’m just so angry from all these hidden emotions I’m keeping inside me that I just have to completely avoid meeting people I know. Every day is challenge and they’re changing me bit by bit. Everything I am is slowly disappearing from my grasp. I’m finding it harder and harder to pretend being strong and push through another day. I just don’t see what the point is anymore. I’m trying to find another reason why I should get up every morning, but my life just seems so bleak with every second that passes by. You know that feeling when you’re last minute studying for an exam you’ve never prepared for? That’s how I feel, the only difference is that this feeling doesn’t go away with how much I study, how much I work, anything I fucken do is meaningless. Bad thing is it just restarts the next day and I have to face it all over again

Everyone has a belief that god put them here for a reason but I’m finding it harder and harder to see why I’m here, nor my significance of even being here in this world.

I just want to disappear forever.

My Past and a lil bit of the present

Well I’ve been wanting to get this out in the open for a while but I just never had the chance to actually start writing. But I guess now is a better time than any to get it done. This is going to be about how my life came to where it is now and will explain how I came to be the type of person I am today. So let’s see where this story begins.

I guess this all starts back to when I was 9. Just like most traditional families now I was also raised in a very loving family. I was happy, truly happy. But the significance of this age was that it was the last year this happiness existed in my family.

I still remember day when I was 10 and woke up to my sister crying. I asked what was wrong and found out that she was crying because our parents were arguing over something and she told me she was soo scared that our parents would separate. I just replied don’t worry man that’s never going to happen. Little did I know that, that day was the beginning of what changed my family until this very day.

As the last couple of years passed in my primary school the arguments between my parents turned into fights. Verbal fights, physical fights you name it, I witnessed it all. My sis and I would always wake up to the screams of my mum and dad. We would always have to stay in the middle of them or even hold them back from hitting or hurting each other. I don’t know about you but that was too much of a task for my sister and I to take. Eventually this task became almost an occupation for us. The fights between my parents became soo frequent and worse. Sometimes they would happen at family outings where either my mum or dad just ends up walking home on their own. I believe the worst fight I experienced was when one night when it just got out of control to a point we had no power to stop them. The screams from my household were so bad that it attracted the attention of the police to my house. Unfortunately that still didn’t stop the fighting between my parents.

My sister and I would always try to stop the fighting. We had each other’s back. We were trying to salvage the good that remained in this god forsaken family. I hated these fukn fights I absolutely hated them. I hated waking up to screams every night, I hated waking up to see my parents injured every morning I hated the fact that my parents absolutely hated each other and I hated how deep in my heart I still loved them and so did my sister.

As the years passed with many nights of fighting, my sister began to hate my parents. I could see it as plain as daylight. That was when my happy sister who loved my parents vanished forever. And before I knew it she gave up on trying to stop the fighting. Leaving me to try and save the scraps of love that remained between my parents. But as I said before this was too much of a task for my sister and I, yet alone myself.

As even more time passed with sleepless nights and the sounds of screams ringing in my ears I too began to develop the hatred that my sister had towards my parents. I was about the age of 14 when I too gave up. At that time I actually didn’t think this affected me in anyway but little to my knowledge it changed me soo much. It all made me who I am today.

My life priorities are simply my friends above even myself and parents. That’s why I see it so strange when people prioritize their families over their friends in fact I think it pisses me off a little. I think it’s because I have the assumption that everyone feels the same way towards their parents as I do to mine obviously a very misinformed assumption. But I guess it can’t be helped for me. It’s good that that most people have a loving family. It’s good to see that not all parents fight each other every night and screw up their kids.

Then came my first girlfriend, my biggest and utter failure right there dating a girl who cheated on me but oh wells. Then came my second girlfriend, the girl I truly loved for who she was and made me feel loved. A feeling that I haven’t felt for years. It felt so indescribable knowing that I meant something to someone and having someone to give all the love that I couldn’t give to my parents. For once in my life I felt complete. I was truly happy once again. But that happiness was outlasted and everything I put into my first real relationship was thrown back to me the same way all my effort to save the love of my parents was thrown back.

Usually people who experienced all of this shit in their lives would come out retarded, emo or like dead. People are always whining about their lives saying its crap because of petty reasons like weight or how they look. There is just so much more people in the world with more worse off lives than what you think. You simply just can’t be so selfish thinking you’re the center of the earth with the worst problem. Well that’s what I say to myself and it’s what helps me get through my days with a smile on my face.

That’s my past for you I wish I could say things are better off now than they were all those years back but unfortunately I can’t. Every day I can see my family falling apart just that little more. My parents absolutely hate each other and my sister absolutely hates them. Coming home to a house where hatred is the prime emotion floating around isn’t exactly what I want to see when I come back from a long day at uni. To be honest, I don’t hate my parents as much as I used to in fact it simply just doesn’t bother me. And since im not so blind sighted by hatred like my sister I actually feel sorry for them, especially my dad. He works soo hard to put money on the table and comes home to a wife he knows hates him and a daughter who hates him too. All that he has left is me, the only one who doesn’t talk to him with a hateful tone. My mum on the other hand I know something is up, always talking on the phone to some guy. She can try and hide it from me but unfortunately I already know. There are days where she just disappears for a couple days or even just lies to me about where she’s been. I find it pretty funny to be honest hearing my mum tell me shes going to my aunt’s place then after 20 mins my aunt would call me asking where she is “ ohhhhh ….. wellssss” that’s really all I can say to that. My sister says that my parents are together because of me and her. But in fact I believe that I’m the prime reason why they’re still together. Don’t misunderstand me and think im being all up myself because that’s not true. The fact is my sister is always mean to my parents, she always glares them off and I don’t think there has been a day where she hasn’t acted rude towards them. I can see that both my parents easily favor me above her. Heck they still even say goodnight to me but not to her. I don’t blame my parents for acting this way because if I had a daughter like my sister, I’d hate her too. I really wish I wasn’t in this position being the prime reason why my family is still together I really don’t. I’ve even had days where my parents would talk to me asking me if they left would I go with them or ask me which one I love more. For the first question I would always reply ‘I don’t know’ I think that’s the only response that would get me out of a situation like that. As for the second question I would always answer I love u both the same which I can say is true because I don’t love either of them.

Being in a position to choose between parents is something we should ever experience and I think everyone would agree with me in that.

And now let’s talk about me. Well the main thing I want in life right now is to be happy and I have great friends to help me stay that way. I love them all soo much and I wouldn’t know what I would do without them. They’ve always been there for me whenever I needed them. They’ve done so much for me whether it was just taking my mind of things or just keeping me company you name it they’ve just done soo much for me. That’s why I love them all with all my heart and always will.

my life is just a mess but i'll eventually figure it out one step at a time

Just no words

what a day its been. where can i even begin............ sigh

first i guess it starts with me waking up to the sounds of my dad in agony. He was vomiting and moaning in pain. It got so bad we decided to take him to the emergency room to find out what was wrong with him. But even before we could get him out of the house I got another phone call. A call telling me that my grandma just passed away.............I just....... I really had no idea how to react to that and neither did my sister. I thought i'd be able to handle this with ease, heck i think i was managing just fine. That was until my sis and I went to my grandma's place to pay our last respects and hold her hand for the last and final time. I just didn't know how to feel, i didn't know what to do. Just staring at her lying down peacefully in bed holding her hand just as i always did when i visited her. Everyone was so emotional and breaking down in front of me and yet there i was staying still just barely being able to keep my mind at ease. Is this what death of a love one feels like to me? i don't know. But i do know that today was the first day in years where i couldn't hold back my tears any more.

Grandma may you rest in peace and watch over the people you've loved for so long.

Jonny will always miss and love you

Free

Well i have to say, it has really been a while and after reading all my previous posts I kinda see how much i've actually changed in the past few months. Things didn't work out too well with me and her, and i ended it the moment I knew we no longer had a future together. I'm actually quite astonished just how much my mindset has changed, just how differently i view everything now in comparison to how i saw things after my relationship ended. I have to admit it actually affected me so much more than i thought it did.

Back then I was always too clingy i reckon, too easily affected by other people, too easily influenced by other people. The idea of a girlfriend was always something i held so dear to me. I always wanted someone could turn to when i was in trouble. I always felt like i needed a girlfriend so i could feel at ease. But that's simply just the fear of being alone taking control of my mind. Hell is all i can say to describe this period of my life where self hate was a prime emotion that ruled most of my days.

Right now my mindset is simply uni, my future and friends. Girlfriends .....hah I really couldnt care anymore, to be honest i reckon they're just a waste of time. Don't get me wrong i'm not turning gay or anything its just at this age for me i believe, i dont need a girl in my life.

I'm glad i dont have to think about having to spend my time worrying whether or not my partner is happy or not.

I'm glad i dont have to spend my whole night talking about useless things to my partner when i could be studying.

I'm glad i don't have to worry about arguments and fights that are caused by nothing and having no other choice but to apologize.

I'm glad i don't have to apologize for things that aren't my fault.

I'm glad i don't have anymore dilemmas taking up my mind space.

I'm glad i don't have to face the eyes and tears of jealousy.

I'm glad i don't have to wake up tired from phone calls that go for half the night.

I'm glad i don't have to face situations where i feel unloved.

I'm glad that I AM FREE.

Simply what i believe is that everyone will find the one who is right for them the moment they stop looking. Whether that is true or not i really don't care. I'm in no rush to get into a relationship and i bet the person who's right for me is thinking exactly the same.

everyone goes through hell

life isnt about how hard you fall

ITS ABOUT HOW FAST YOU GET BACK UP

its been soo long since i've felt soo at ease

Disarray

Well after my trip from sydney and spending heaps of time with my friend, i found it so hard to not think of her whilst back in my so called home. So many conversations, soo many dilemmas, so many complications ......i want to be with her soo much and i know she'd love to be with me too. Yet i don't know why i have such a huge hesitation to jump into another relationship. I just have soo much doubt in my mind, soo much confusion, soo many insecurities in me due to my last relationship. The thing is, i don't really want to be in another relationship until i achieve some more of my personal goals and finally become proud of myself. And right now i know that I'm not proud of myself at all. I hate what I've become, i hate how weak i am, i hate just how pathetic i am, i hate how im categorized with all the other fukn failures that are stereotyped with my nationality. Heck i just hate myself. I'm just in such an odd place right now, i really want to be with her but at the same time i dont. I know i'm not ready, i don't have the right mindset to be in a relationship at the moment.

She thinks I'm going to be the 'one' and fortunately i too have a similar view of her. Maybe thats why I'm so fearful of doing anything. I just have soo much doubt in myself that i'm only thinking of the relationship failing instead of succeeding. I guess its just the view that this decision could either turn us into soul mates or tear us apart making us strangers once again. I dont want to lose such a special person in my life, i really have no idea what i'd do without her. I've already lost one close friend due to a relationship and i don't think i want to experience that again (it just tore me apart so much knowing i cared for someone soo much who didn't care for me at all). And also i just don't think i'll have enough energy in me for another failed relationship.

haha i guess this is what life is all about, having enough courage to make choices that you know will tear you a sunder and being able to handle the outcome you don't want with the best of your ability.

And now this all just leaves me in a state of disarray, i really just have no idea what to do. And if the time presents itself, do i have the courage to overcome my doubts and insecurities and make the right choice for the girl of my dreams.

I really like her, heck i think i really love her

but will she really be the one I cant wait to love and cherish for the rest of my life?

or will she be the one i can't wait to forget?

Time Lapse

Well what can i say, its been so long since we become apart and yet she still gives me the major awks for some unknown reason. It still surprises me how it still hits my thoughts even though its been ages. We still still haven't talked or tried to mend our friendship (well i actually did try once) well she probs thinks we have but in my eyes i still see it shattered in the abyss but oh wells, it shouldn't be too much of a loss for me. Even though i would like her to be my friend, but in these circumstances i kinda want her to be the one who comes and tries to fix our friendship. (That failed relationship with her really had its toll on me so now I'm just sick of trying). But in this case we all know that she'd never lift a finger to get back what we once had, i think it's just not in her personality to try for me. I actually do think of the day she just calls me or gives me a sign that she wants to fix everything heck i think i'd be glad if she did because then i would see that she did care about me in some way. As more and more days pass though i start to see how unlikely it is and also the more i don't want anything to do with her. So i just hope that she does something before all my hope for her runs out.

fingers crossed she does the right thing and doesn't prove me wrong 'again'

The Dream

So there's this story of this girl that i met years ago and in my eyes i thought she was shy and a bit dorky with her monotone voice. But as the years went by.....my god, i guess i could say i was completely wrong. As we got to know each other we came to see how awesome our friendship was and how much we enjoyed each other's company. Heck i loved her company and still do.

Then came that fateful time when i went up to see her and i guess we fell for each other, even though we hardly exchanged words or anything haha but in the short time of being with her i knew we had something special between us. Then when i came back to Melbourne our connection was severed and eventually we stopped talking for a year or so.

"hey I'm coming down to Melbourne to stay with you for 14 days =D" Those were the very words that began the next our next story and what brought us back together. Who could have known that in those 14 days of being in each others presence we would fall for each other so hard. Its just soo amazing how much affection we had for each other after not even talking to each other for a year or so. Not trying to sound corny or anything but maybe we're just meant to be haha.

Amazing, incredible, irresistible, astonishing, astounding, remarkable, the list just goes on. No amount of words can describe what you are to me. To be honest when i think of you I'm just absolutely speechless for words like my mind just switches off and makes me feel all warm and funny all over.

In my whole life i never had any aspirations or any dreams but after meeting you once again and seeing just how amazing we can be together i finally have one dream.

The dream of being with you

i want to write soo much more but no words are just coming out, man this girl has totally got me head over heels

she's the girl of my dreams

she's the girl i've always wanted

she's just the best

she's the girl i'll always love

Kiss the rain

Well what can i say about this old friend of mine, shes just so amazing, so kind, so loving......just so one in a million. I love everything about you, how you giggle before u say things, how you always make those cute noises when u poke me and how you always make those cute faces when you look at me. You make me feel so happy and warm inside, you make me feel so special. The thought of you just makes me head over heels and reminds me just how much i miss you. You're one of the most awesome girls I've ever met. In 14 days you managed to dig out all my hidden affection and emotions. And managed to make me fall for you .....once again hahaha.

From the way you laugh to the way u make me smile, I'll always love you for who you are. Whatever happens i know we'll be the best of friends until the end of time.

you're the best and i hope u know that

missing you heaps

love ya oxox

Blasted Subconcience

well its been a while with the thought of her out of my head, almost succeeded phasing her existance out of my clouded thoughts. Until today, where i had a dream of her. i can keep her out of my head when it requires my own will its a shame my subconscious can not.

haha emotions they're such an annoying nuisance

Upon the horizon

heh, something dark is coming my way i can feel it. Something i've been expecting for a long time. I don't think it should phase me much though. All i know is that im sure i should be well enough prepared for when this storm comes.

Exactly how i wanted to be

Finally, i feel almost no emotional attachments to her. Took longer than i expected but i think im finally here. Maybe it i just needed time or maybe it was because of meeting new people yesterday, i dunno. But i do know that how i am now, my state of mind is exactly the way i wanted it from the very beginning. A state where i just no longer care anymore, no attachments to anyone but having people emotionally attached to me. im in a position where i can no longer feel the nuisance of sorrow, sadness and pity. Im finally back

to the new beginning

*shrugs*

i just don't know what to write anymore, everything I'm feeling, everything thats pushing me down is just so indescribable.  I'm beginning to feel more and more worthless as the days go by. I'm getting angrier and just more frustrated with everyone and at myself. It's becoming harder and harder to put on the happy image and pretend that I'm fine when everything isn't. I hate this feeling, its completely destroying me from the inside. sigh.... talking to my friends about this would be completely useless, seriously what can they do. It's not like they can take away my emotions with the snap of their fingers. Sometimes i just wish i never existed, all this shit is just too much of a burden to endure. What is wrong with me? i never used to be like this before. I hope its not because of the break up coz then that's just pathetic. ARHHH thinking of her just makes me soo fukn angry. One fukn year, ONE FUKN YEAR!! i gave up one year for her only to be shown that she didn't give a shit. I remember she said she wanted to be friends but i don't think i can be friends with someone as heartless as her. After re reading this it kind of makes it obvious I'm not over her just yet ...sigh. Why the fuck are these feelings coming now, why not when we actually broke up. Its fuckn bullshit.

Someone asked if i would get back with her if she asked me to. As ludicrous as that idea is, i really wouldn't know what i would do. I still love her and all but i don't think the connie i love is even there anymore. But then again such an idea is just laughable.  

and thats my vent for today

Trying

Well its been a while after we turned from being one to being two. I keep telling myself that i've moved on but, every time i see her name, every time i see her face. why do i always feel so uneasy? is it hatred, anger, the fact that she shows almost no sign that she cared about me? I dont know....i really don't. I've tried to mend our friendship....well what's left of it. Every word that comes from her mouth just seems to irritate me, i'm probably just over thinking things. But why am i the only one trying to fix our friendship? Why isn't she lifting a finger to help make things the way they once were? Maybe I've just been clouded by my optimistic reasoning that she still cares about me in her own little self centered world. Maybe i was right from the very beginning that she never cared about me at all. If thats the case why should i keep trying to fix things with her when its so clear she doesn't even care about my existence. I'm really running out of trying here, I've been trying so hard this whole stupid year. 

Our bond, what we had in the beginning. Maybe i should start asking myself if things will ever be the way they once were or if it'll just keep going down into the vortex of nothingness. So many questions, so many thoughts. I've had enough of wallowing in my own self pity. I think its time to put an end to this. If she doesn't care, i don't think i should care about saving what's left of what we once were.

Today I'm going to be seeing her with the rest of the group maybe what happens today will help make things easier to decide. Who knows right? Maybe I'll see what i've always wanted. Maybe it was for the best when my relationship door closed, it may have opened another to someone who really does care about me and accepts me for who i am. Or maybe thats just a bunch of optimistic bullshit, like how i thought waiting for someone for a fukn year would actually pay off.

sigh

i just want to erase everything

but i cant stop seeing your face

your probably already moving on 

yet why cant i stop looking out my window 

thinking about you

missing you

the end

well the day dreaded and waited for the whole year, has finally come.  i cant say i was surprised or shocked, i knew the moment i started talking her today it would be the end of us. no matter how hard i tried to convince myself that everything could be fixed, my mindset couldn't be changed. I'm just ....filled with the emotions of sadness, anger, everything. I don't know what to feel. She said she believes that we can still be friends, but she knows nothing of what i went through, what i had to put up with, what i've sacrificed for her. i guess she really didn't understand me at all......she never did. 

Right now looking at the computer screen so many thoughts are just flowing through my head. 

Why did she even choose to be with me? 

Did i just waste a whole year waiting for someone who i thought loved me?

Did i fall in love with the wrong person? 

Did her sister really convince her to be against me so easily?

Am i really just meant to be alone?

Can we really be friends and pretend none of this ever happened? i really don't know if we could ever go back to the way we were. i just have soo much hatred, anger, fukn everything towards her and even more directed to her sister. I just don't think I'd be able to hold all those emotions  back at the sight of her but i know i'll have to try my best to. i really did love her after all, its the least i can do to repay her for all the happy times we were together.  

i guess we had a good run its a shame it didn't last until the end. but thats life for you, full of disappointments one after the other, but its how we deal with them that defines who we are and who we become.

from our first kiss, to our last goodbye. im going to miss you heaps connie, farewell

contun is no more

Into the gloomy abyss

no matter how hard i try to be optimistic about it i just cant seem to get all the terrible thoughts out of my head. i dont think anyone knows how im really feeling right now besides the small amount of people who just come across this blog. my friends, all of them think im fine because of the so called happy image i always present when im in person with them. sadly enough i think this year has made me even more better at hiding my feelings from everyone. the few people that have realized something was a tiny bit off about my attitude we're all so easily mislead to the lie that i was fine. its amazing how a couple of 'lols' and 'lmaos' can do that. i think there's only one person that can make me feel better but i doubt she even cares about me as much anymore. 

i just wish things were the way they were a year ago. oddly i still have a spark of hope that things will change in the way i desire. although at the same time i see how almost impossible it really is. im trying to hang on but im just...................not sure if im .... i just dont know. theres soo much pulling me back and so little pulling me forward. 

we'll just have to see how this plays out although the outcome im expecting isnt the one i want. 

detestation

everyday you fukn complain about me, criticize everything i do even when i do things right u still always bring out the flaws from inside me and never appreciate what i do. thats why i hate u. you're one of the people in my life i hate the most, every little thing u do, every little thing u say irritates me and fukn frustrates me. just shut the fuk up i dont give a shit. you're the reason why i became who i am now. you're the reason why i hate my life. but most importantly why i fukn hate and dont give a shit about you.

you're nothing but one of the many great disappointments in my life

Its been a long ......long time

(fuk the commas)

Well it’s been a while since I’ve written on my blog, I guess I didn’t really want to say anything that would somehow affect her studies but I know that eventually what I’m feeling is going to come out whether or not I want it to. That’s when I decided today on my time on the train to uni today to actually do it. So lets begin.

 

I’m going to have to say the main thing on my mind is of course connie. So many days I go to bed thinking about her knowing she isn’t doing the same. So many days I try to get her attention knowing that I won’t get any. So many days I think of how long I can actually keep this up knowing that I’m almost sick of trying. One of the things I absolutely hate this year is when my friends ask me ‘have you seen connie lately?’ and I would always reply ‘no not really, I see her like once a term’ and then they would go ‘awww howcome doesn’t she make time to see u other days?’ these conversations would always end with me going ‘well she focusing on her studies this year.’ These conversations always make me sick to my stomach and put me on the edge of going emotional, if it doesn’t make me feel shitty for the rest of the day. But what can I say? I brought this upon myself just like all the arguments we have between us. It just always happens to be my fault and im the one who always ends up apologizing. I even remember telling her I don’t care if I hardly saw her, as long as I was with her I’d be happy. Haha easier said than done. You have no idea how hard it is to deal with the fact that you’re unable to see someone who’s so close to you. I didn’t really want to mention that because every time I do I think of Sophie and her bf and how hard it must be for them. It just makes me feel that my problem is so insignificant and that I’m complaining over nothing. And that’s why sophie will always be someone I admire for emotional strength.

 

As one day passes onto the next the more I realize how little we actually talk. I know she’s being distant with me for the time being so nothing emotional caused by me doesn’t affect her studies. Even so, I’m starting to think its doing more harm than good due to most of our problems revolving around that fact. My mind still doesn’t stop but wonder if it’s affecting her feelings towards me. there are also just days where she makes me so angry/annoyed when I let her off to study and find out later that she’s just ‘dramaing or gossiping’ to other people besides me when she knows we hardly talk. And one more thing that just put me so over the top and that was when she told me that her sister’s bf saying that I was a factor that compromised her mid year results. BULLFUCKIN SHIT I had none if not little influence over her results. Maybe they should be fucking looking at themselves because they’re the ones fucking always taking her out and preventing her from studying. Fucking hypocrites. I was so unbelievably angry when she told me this. Its been a long time since I’ve ever been this angry in my life and I’m someone not easily angered.

 

All these thoughts and even more used to keep me up so many nights but today on my 50 min train ride to uni I came to a realization. I’m meant to be someone who makes her happy not because im her boyfriend but her friend as well. It’s my role to keep her happy, to support her when she’s troubled, to be there for her when she’s sad and to love her to let her know she’s loved.

 

She doesn’t have to tell me for me to realize just how much she needs me even though she may not show it as well as others. And I know that she’ll appreciate it so much if I would still be there for her when this is all over. And that’s what I’ll do, to the best of my ability, because……….. I love her so much, because she’s the most important thing I have to look forward to at the end of the year, because she’s my light at the end of this tunnel.

 

I made it half way, so who says I cant make the distance.

the one i love

Connie's soo lovely 

Connie's soo wonderful

Connie's soo preciouss

I just love her 
More than the whole wide world

Connie's just soo pretty
Truly the angel's best
God, im so happy
That I've been heaven blessed

I'll be your honey
Ill be your every all
Ill be your sunshine 
when darkness falls

You're just soo lovely 

And you'll always have all of me

i love you hun forever and ever

I dont know

Overwhelming is all i can say. So many things in my head both good and bad and i dont even have enough time to think about them. I guess that's just how strict my time is. Everyday i'm becoming more and more annoyed, more and more angry. "Hey tunny how are yah?" "heys im fine".....im not. I wish i could tell people, especially her. But i cant, i dont know what tell her, i dont know what to say, i don't even know whats wrong with me. She's happy at the moment and i dont want that to change because of me. All i know is that this feeling is getting worse, i hate it...i hate it soo much.     I hate it how i cant even tell anyone
I hate it how i have to keep pretending i'm fine 
I hate it how no one can help me


I guess i'm going to have to handle this problem alone . . . . . . sigh