Exactly how i wanted to be

Finally, i feel almost no emotional attachments to her. Took longer than i expected but i think im finally here. Maybe it i just needed time or maybe it was because of meeting new people yesterday, i dunno. But i do know that how i am now, my state of mind is exactly the way i wanted it from the very beginning. A state where i just no longer care anymore, no attachments to anyone but having people emotionally attached to me. im in a position where i can no longer feel the nuisance of sorrow, sadness and pity. Im finally back

to the new beginning

*shrugs*

i just don't know what to write anymore, everything I'm feeling, everything thats pushing me down is just so indescribable.  I'm beginning to feel more and more worthless as the days go by. I'm getting angrier and just more frustrated with everyone and at myself. It's becoming harder and harder to put on the happy image and pretend that I'm fine when everything isn't. I hate this feeling, its completely destroying me from the inside. sigh.... talking to my friends about this would be completely useless, seriously what can they do. It's not like they can take away my emotions with the snap of their fingers. Sometimes i just wish i never existed, all this shit is just too much of a burden to endure. What is wrong with me? i never used to be like this before. I hope its not because of the break up coz then that's just pathetic. ARHHH thinking of her just makes me soo fukn angry. One fukn year, ONE FUKN YEAR!! i gave up one year for her only to be shown that she didn't give a shit. I remember she said she wanted to be friends but i don't think i can be friends with someone as heartless as her. After re reading this it kind of makes it obvious I'm not over her just yet ...sigh. Why the fuck are these feelings coming now, why not when we actually broke up. Its fuckn bullshit.

Someone asked if i would get back with her if she asked me to. As ludicrous as that idea is, i really wouldn't know what i would do. I still love her and all but i don't think the connie i love is even there anymore. But then again such an idea is just laughable.  

and thats my vent for today

Trying

Well its been a while after we turned from being one to being two. I keep telling myself that i've moved on but, every time i see her name, every time i see her face. why do i always feel so uneasy? is it hatred, anger, the fact that she shows almost no sign that she cared about me? I dont know....i really don't. I've tried to mend our friendship....well what's left of it. Every word that comes from her mouth just seems to irritate me, i'm probably just over thinking things. But why am i the only one trying to fix our friendship? Why isn't she lifting a finger to help make things the way they once were? Maybe I've just been clouded by my optimistic reasoning that she still cares about me in her own little self centered world. Maybe i was right from the very beginning that she never cared about me at all. If thats the case why should i keep trying to fix things with her when its so clear she doesn't even care about my existence. I'm really running out of trying here, I've been trying so hard this whole stupid year. 

Our bond, what we had in the beginning. Maybe i should start asking myself if things will ever be the way they once were or if it'll just keep going down into the vortex of nothingness. So many questions, so many thoughts. I've had enough of wallowing in my own self pity. I think its time to put an end to this. If she doesn't care, i don't think i should care about saving what's left of what we once were.

Today I'm going to be seeing her with the rest of the group maybe what happens today will help make things easier to decide. Who knows right? Maybe I'll see what i've always wanted. Maybe it was for the best when my relationship door closed, it may have opened another to someone who really does care about me and accepts me for who i am. Or maybe thats just a bunch of optimistic bullshit, like how i thought waiting for someone for a fukn year would actually pay off.

sigh

i just want to erase everything

but i cant stop seeing your face

your probably already moving on 

yet why cant i stop looking out my window 

thinking about you

missing you

the end

well the day dreaded and waited for the whole year, has finally come.  i cant say i was surprised or shocked, i knew the moment i started talking her today it would be the end of us. no matter how hard i tried to convince myself that everything could be fixed, my mindset couldn't be changed. I'm just ....filled with the emotions of sadness, anger, everything. I don't know what to feel. She said she believes that we can still be friends, but she knows nothing of what i went through, what i had to put up with, what i've sacrificed for her. i guess she really didn't understand me at all......she never did. 

Right now looking at the computer screen so many thoughts are just flowing through my head. 

Why did she even choose to be with me? 

Did i just waste a whole year waiting for someone who i thought loved me?

Did i fall in love with the wrong person? 

Did her sister really convince her to be against me so easily?

Am i really just meant to be alone?

Can we really be friends and pretend none of this ever happened? i really don't know if we could ever go back to the way we were. i just have soo much hatred, anger, fukn everything towards her and even more directed to her sister. I just don't think I'd be able to hold all those emotions  back at the sight of her but i know i'll have to try my best to. i really did love her after all, its the least i can do to repay her for all the happy times we were together.  

i guess we had a good run its a shame it didn't last until the end. but thats life for you, full of disappointments one after the other, but its how we deal with them that defines who we are and who we become.

from our first kiss, to our last goodbye. im going to miss you heaps connie, farewell

contun is no more

Into the gloomy abyss

no matter how hard i try to be optimistic about it i just cant seem to get all the terrible thoughts out of my head. i dont think anyone knows how im really feeling right now besides the small amount of people who just come across this blog. my friends, all of them think im fine because of the so called happy image i always present when im in person with them. sadly enough i think this year has made me even more better at hiding my feelings from everyone. the few people that have realized something was a tiny bit off about my attitude we're all so easily mislead to the lie that i was fine. its amazing how a couple of 'lols' and 'lmaos' can do that. i think there's only one person that can make me feel better but i doubt she even cares about me as much anymore. 

i just wish things were the way they were a year ago. oddly i still have a spark of hope that things will change in the way i desire. although at the same time i see how almost impossible it really is. im trying to hang on but im just...................not sure if im .... i just dont know. theres soo much pulling me back and so little pulling me forward. 

we'll just have to see how this plays out although the outcome im expecting isnt the one i want. 

detestation

everyday you fukn complain about me, criticize everything i do even when i do things right u still always bring out the flaws from inside me and never appreciate what i do. thats why i hate u. you're one of the people in my life i hate the most, every little thing u do, every little thing u say irritates me and fukn frustrates me. just shut the fuk up i dont give a shit. you're the reason why i became who i am now. you're the reason why i hate my life. but most importantly why i fukn hate and dont give a shit about you.

you're nothing but one of the many great disappointments in my life