Free

Well i have to say, it has really been a while and after reading all my previous posts I kinda see how much i've actually changed in the past few months. Things didn't work out too well with me and her, and i ended it the moment I knew we no longer had a future together. I'm actually quite astonished just how much my mindset has changed, just how differently i view everything now in comparison to how i saw things after my relationship ended. I have to admit it actually affected me so much more than i thought it did.

Back then I was always too clingy i reckon, too easily affected by other people, too easily influenced by other people. The idea of a girlfriend was always something i held so dear to me. I always wanted someone could turn to when i was in trouble. I always felt like i needed a girlfriend so i could feel at ease. But that's simply just the fear of being alone taking control of my mind. Hell is all i can say to describe this period of my life where self hate was a prime emotion that ruled most of my days.

Right now my mindset is simply uni, my future and friends. Girlfriends .....hah I really couldnt care anymore, to be honest i reckon they're just a waste of time. Don't get me wrong i'm not turning gay or anything its just at this age for me i believe, i dont need a girl in my life.

I'm glad i dont have to think about having to spend my time worrying whether or not my partner is happy or not.

I'm glad i dont have to spend my whole night talking about useless things to my partner when i could be studying.

I'm glad i don't have to worry about arguments and fights that are caused by nothing and having no other choice but to apologize.

I'm glad i don't have to apologize for things that aren't my fault.

I'm glad i don't have anymore dilemmas taking up my mind space.

I'm glad i don't have to face the eyes and tears of jealousy.

I'm glad i don't have to wake up tired from phone calls that go for half the night.

I'm glad i don't have to face situations where i feel unloved.

I'm glad that I AM FREE.

Simply what i believe is that everyone will find the one who is right for them the moment they stop looking. Whether that is true or not i really don't care. I'm in no rush to get into a relationship and i bet the person who's right for me is thinking exactly the same.

everyone goes through hell

life isnt about how hard you fall

ITS ABOUT HOW FAST YOU GET BACK UP

its been soo long since i've felt soo at ease

Disarray

Well after my trip from sydney and spending heaps of time with my friend, i found it so hard to not think of her whilst back in my so called home. So many conversations, soo many dilemmas, so many complications ......i want to be with her soo much and i know she'd love to be with me too. Yet i don't know why i have such a huge hesitation to jump into another relationship. I just have soo much doubt in my mind, soo much confusion, soo many insecurities in me due to my last relationship. The thing is, i don't really want to be in another relationship until i achieve some more of my personal goals and finally become proud of myself. And right now i know that I'm not proud of myself at all. I hate what I've become, i hate how weak i am, i hate just how pathetic i am, i hate how im categorized with all the other fukn failures that are stereotyped with my nationality. Heck i just hate myself. I'm just in such an odd place right now, i really want to be with her but at the same time i dont. I know i'm not ready, i don't have the right mindset to be in a relationship at the moment.

She thinks I'm going to be the 'one' and fortunately i too have a similar view of her. Maybe thats why I'm so fearful of doing anything. I just have soo much doubt in myself that i'm only thinking of the relationship failing instead of succeeding. I guess its just the view that this decision could either turn us into soul mates or tear us apart making us strangers once again. I dont want to lose such a special person in my life, i really have no idea what i'd do without her. I've already lost one close friend due to a relationship and i don't think i want to experience that again (it just tore me apart so much knowing i cared for someone soo much who didn't care for me at all). And also i just don't think i'll have enough energy in me for another failed relationship.

haha i guess this is what life is all about, having enough courage to make choices that you know will tear you a sunder and being able to handle the outcome you don't want with the best of your ability.

And now this all just leaves me in a state of disarray, i really just have no idea what to do. And if the time presents itself, do i have the courage to overcome my doubts and insecurities and make the right choice for the girl of my dreams.

I really like her, heck i think i really love her

but will she really be the one I cant wait to love and cherish for the rest of my life?

or will she be the one i can't wait to forget?

Time Lapse

Well what can i say, its been so long since we become apart and yet she still gives me the major awks for some unknown reason. It still surprises me how it still hits my thoughts even though its been ages. We still still haven't talked or tried to mend our friendship (well i actually did try once) well she probs thinks we have but in my eyes i still see it shattered in the abyss but oh wells, it shouldn't be too much of a loss for me. Even though i would like her to be my friend, but in these circumstances i kinda want her to be the one who comes and tries to fix our friendship. (That failed relationship with her really had its toll on me so now I'm just sick of trying). But in this case we all know that she'd never lift a finger to get back what we once had, i think it's just not in her personality to try for me. I actually do think of the day she just calls me or gives me a sign that she wants to fix everything heck i think i'd be glad if she did because then i would see that she did care about me in some way. As more and more days pass though i start to see how unlikely it is and also the more i don't want anything to do with her. So i just hope that she does something before all my hope for her runs out.

fingers crossed she does the right thing and doesn't prove me wrong 'again'

The Dream

So there's this story of this girl that i met years ago and in my eyes i thought she was shy and a bit dorky with her monotone voice. But as the years went by.....my god, i guess i could say i was completely wrong. As we got to know each other we came to see how awesome our friendship was and how much we enjoyed each other's company. Heck i loved her company and still do.

Then came that fateful time when i went up to see her and i guess we fell for each other, even though we hardly exchanged words or anything haha but in the short time of being with her i knew we had something special between us. Then when i came back to Melbourne our connection was severed and eventually we stopped talking for a year or so.

"hey I'm coming down to Melbourne to stay with you for 14 days =D" Those were the very words that began the next our next story and what brought us back together. Who could have known that in those 14 days of being in each others presence we would fall for each other so hard. Its just soo amazing how much affection we had for each other after not even talking to each other for a year or so. Not trying to sound corny or anything but maybe we're just meant to be haha.

Amazing, incredible, irresistible, astonishing, astounding, remarkable, the list just goes on. No amount of words can describe what you are to me. To be honest when i think of you I'm just absolutely speechless for words like my mind just switches off and makes me feel all warm and funny all over.

In my whole life i never had any aspirations or any dreams but after meeting you once again and seeing just how amazing we can be together i finally have one dream.

The dream of being with you

i want to write soo much more but no words are just coming out, man this girl has totally got me head over heels

she's the girl of my dreams

she's the girl i've always wanted

she's just the best

she's the girl i'll always love

Kiss the rain

Well what can i say about this old friend of mine, shes just so amazing, so kind, so loving......just so one in a million. I love everything about you, how you giggle before u say things, how you always make those cute noises when u poke me and how you always make those cute faces when you look at me. You make me feel so happy and warm inside, you make me feel so special. The thought of you just makes me head over heels and reminds me just how much i miss you. You're one of the most awesome girls I've ever met. In 14 days you managed to dig out all my hidden affection and emotions. And managed to make me fall for you .....once again hahaha.

From the way you laugh to the way u make me smile, I'll always love you for who you are. Whatever happens i know we'll be the best of friends until the end of time.

you're the best and i hope u know that

missing you heaps

love ya oxox

Blasted Subconcience

well its been a while with the thought of her out of my head, almost succeeded phasing her existance out of my clouded thoughts. Until today, where i had a dream of her. i can keep her out of my head when it requires my own will its a shame my subconscious can not.

haha emotions they're such an annoying nuisance

Upon the horizon

heh, something dark is coming my way i can feel it. Something i've been expecting for a long time. I don't think it should phase me much though. All i know is that im sure i should be well enough prepared for when this storm comes.