(fuk the commas)
Well it’s been a while since I’ve written on my blog, I guess I didn’t really want to say anything that would somehow affect her studies but I know that eventually what I’m feeling is going to come out whether or not I want it to. That’s when I decided today on my time on the train to uni today to actually do it. So lets begin.
I’m going to have to say the main thing on my mind is of course connie. So many days I go to bed thinking about her knowing she isn’t doing the same. So many days I try to get her attention knowing that I won’t get any. So many days I think of how long I can actually keep this up knowing that I’m almost sick of trying. One of the things I absolutely hate this year is when my friends ask me ‘have you seen connie lately?’ and I would always reply ‘no not really, I see her like once a term’ and then they would go ‘awww howcome doesn’t she make time to see u other days?’ these conversations would always end with me going ‘well she focusing on her studies this year.’ These conversations always make me sick to my stomach and put me on the edge of going emotional, if it doesn’t make me feel shitty for the rest of the day. But what can I say? I brought this upon myself just like all the arguments we have between us. It just always happens to be my fault and im the one who always ends up apologizing. I even remember telling her I don’t care if I hardly saw her, as long as I was with her I’d be happy. Haha easier said than done. You have no idea how hard it is to deal with the fact that you’re unable to see someone who’s so close to you. I didn’t really want to mention that because every time I do I think of Sophie and her bf and how hard it must be for them. It just makes me feel that my problem is so insignificant and that I’m complaining over nothing. And that’s why sophie will always be someone I admire for emotional strength.
As one day passes onto the next the more I realize how little we actually talk. I know she’s being distant with me for the time being so nothing emotional caused by me doesn’t affect her studies. Even so, I’m starting to think its doing more harm than good due to most of our problems revolving around that fact. My mind still doesn’t stop but wonder if it’s affecting her feelings towards me. there are also just days where she makes me so angry/annoyed when I let her off to study and find out later that she’s just ‘dramaing or gossiping’ to other people besides me when she knows we hardly talk. And one more thing that just put me so over the top and that was when she told me that her sister’s bf saying that I was a factor that compromised her mid year results. BULLFUCKIN SHIT I had none if not little influence over her results. Maybe they should be fucking looking at themselves because they’re the ones fucking always taking her out and preventing her from studying. Fucking hypocrites. I was so unbelievably angry when she told me this. Its been a long time since I’ve ever been this angry in my life and I’m someone not easily angered.
All these thoughts and even more used to keep me up so many nights but today on my 50 min train ride to uni I came to a realization. I’m meant to be someone who makes her happy not because im her boyfriend but her friend as well. It’s my role to keep her happy, to support her when she’s troubled, to be there for her when she’s sad and to love her to let her know she’s loved.
She doesn’t have to tell me for me to realize just how much she needs me even though she may not show it as well as others. And I know that she’ll appreciate it so much if I would still be there for her when this is all over. And that’s what I’ll do, to the best of my ability, because……….. I love her so much, because she’s the most important thing I have to look forward to at the end of the year, because she’s my light at the end of this tunnel.
I made it half way, so who says I cant make the distance.
