no matter how hard i try to be optimistic about it i just cant seem to get all the terrible thoughts out of my head. i dont think anyone knows how im really feeling right now besides the small amount of people who just come across this blog. my friends, all of them think im fine because of the so called happy image i always present when im in person with them. sadly enough i think this year has made me even more better at hiding my feelings from everyone. the few people that have realized something was a tiny bit off about my attitude we're all so easily mislead to the lie that i was fine. its amazing how a couple of 'lols' and 'lmaos' can do that. i think there's only one person that can make me feel better but i doubt she even cares about me as much anymore.
i just wish things were the way they were a year ago. oddly i still have a spark of hope that things will change in the way i desire. although at the same time i see how almost impossible it really is. im trying to hang on but im just...................not sure if im .... i just dont know. theres soo much pulling me back and so little pulling me forward.
we'll just have to see how this plays out although the outcome im expecting isnt the one i want.
