It’s been a while, and all I can say now is I’m going through hell. Uni is just completely swamping over my life, I would be ok if all my mental focus was only on my uni work but unfortunately, life just loves to turn things upside down for no reason. My mother is having an affair, but I have to say that’s not the main problem that’s affecting me. My dad can’t take it anymore, he’s sick of people asking if he’s divorced and I don’t think hearing that she’s been seen with another man helps him a huge deal either. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore every day just seems like every other .......worthless. I can’t focus in uni I can’t focus at home what the fuck am I meant to do?
My dad asked me if I was going to leave with him when he leaves and I said yes. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about my family being torn apart, I think about it every day. It’s the greatest burden I’ve ever had to carry on my shoulders in my entire life and no one can help me. I can’t handle this anymore the stress is just building up more quickly than I can expel it. The enormous amount of study I’m facing is getting greater and greater each day. More tasks are arising at home because my parents aren’t there to do them anymore. There’s nothing special about me, I’m not smart, not talented, I’m just an average person so why is this happening to me. Why can’t this happen to someone who’s actually strong enough to actually deal with this.
Some days when I finish from uni I’m just so angry from all these hidden emotions I’m keeping inside me that I just have to completely avoid meeting people I know. Every day is challenge and they’re changing me bit by bit. Everything I am is slowly disappearing from my grasp. I’m finding it harder and harder to pretend being strong and push through another day. I just don’t see what the point is anymore. I’m trying to find another reason why I should get up every morning, but my life just seems so bleak with every second that passes by. You know that feeling when you’re last minute studying for an exam you’ve never prepared for? That’s how I feel, the only difference is that this feeling doesn’t go away with how much I study, how much I work, anything I fucken do is meaningless. Bad thing is it just restarts the next day and I have to face it all over again
Everyone has a belief that god put them here for a reason but I’m finding it harder and harder to see why I’m here, nor my significance of even being here in this world.
I just want to disappear forever.
