well its been a while with the thought of her out of my head, almost succeeded phasing her existance out of my clouded thoughts. Until today, where i had a dream of her. i can keep her out of my head when it requires my own will its a shame my subconscious can not.
haha emotions they're such an annoying nuisance
Finally, i feel almost no emotional attachments to her. Took longer than i expected but i think im finally here. Maybe it i just needed time or maybe it was because of meeting new people yesterday, i dunno. But i do know that how i am now, my state of mind is exactly the way i wanted it from the very beginning. A state where i just no longer care anymore, no attachments to anyone but having people emotionally attached to me. im in a position where i can no longer feel the nuisance of sorrow, sadness and pity. Im finally back
to the new beginning
i just don't know what to write anymore, everything I'm feeling, everything thats pushing me down is just so indescribable. I'm beginning to feel more and more worthless as the days go by. I'm getting angrier and just more frustrated with everyone and at myself. It's becoming harder and harder to put on the happy image and pretend that I'm fine when everything isn't. I hate this feeling, its completely destroying me from the inside. sigh.... talking to my friends about this would be completely useless, seriously what can they do. It's not like they can take away my emotions with the snap of their fingers. Sometimes i just wish i never existed, all this shit is just too much of a burden to endure. What is wrong with me? i never used to be like this before. I hope its not because of the break up coz then that's just pathetic. ARHHH thinking of her just makes me soo fukn angry. One fukn year, ONE FUKN YEAR!! i gave up one year for her only to be shown that she didn't give a shit. I remember she said she wanted to be friends but i don't think i can be friends with someone as heartless as her. After re reading this it kind of makes it obvious I'm not over her just yet ...sigh. Why the fuck are these feelings coming now, why not when we actually broke up. Its fuckn bullshit.
Someone asked if i would get back with her if she asked me to. As ludicrous as that idea is, i really wouldn't know what i would do. I still love her and all but i don't think the connie i love is even there anymore. But then again such an idea is just laughable.
and thats my vent for today
Well its been a while after we turned from being one to being two. I keep telling myself that i've moved on but, every time i see her name, every time i see her face. why do i always feel so uneasy? is it hatred, anger, the fact that she shows almost no sign that she cared about me? I dont know....i really don't. I've tried to mend our friendship....well what's left of it. Every word that comes from her mouth just seems to irritate me, i'm probably just over thinking things. But why am i the only one trying to fix our friendship? Why isn't she lifting a finger to help make things the way they once were? Maybe I've just been clouded by my optimistic reasoning that she still cares about me in her own little self centered world. Maybe i was right from the very beginning that she never cared about me at all. If thats the case why should i keep trying to fix things with her when its so clear she doesn't even care about my existence. I'm really running out of trying here, I've been trying so hard this whole stupid year.
Our bond, what we had in the beginning. Maybe i should start asking myself if things will ever be the way they once were or if it'll just keep going down into the vortex of nothingness. So many questions, so many thoughts. I've had enough of wallowing in my own self pity. I think its time to put an end to this. If she doesn't care, i don't think i should care about saving what's left of what we once were.
Today I'm going to be seeing her with the rest of the group maybe what happens today will help make things easier to decide. Who knows right? Maybe I'll see what i've always wanted. Maybe it was for the best when my relationship door closed, it may have opened another to someone who really does care about me and accepts me for who i am. Or maybe thats just a bunch of optimistic bullshit, like how i thought waiting for someone for a fukn year would actually pay off.
