Well after my trip from sydney and spending heaps of time with my friend, i found it so hard to not think of her whilst back in my so called home. So many conversations, soo many dilemmas, so many complications ......i want to be with her soo much and i know she'd love to be with me too. Yet i don't know why i have such a huge hesitation to jump into another relationship. I just have soo much doubt in my mind, soo much confusion, soo many insecurities in me due to my last relationship. The thing is, i don't really want to be in another relationship until i achieve some more of my personal goals and finally become proud of myself. And right now i know that I'm not proud of myself at all. I hate what I've become, i hate how weak i am, i hate just how pathetic i am, i hate how im categorized with all the other fukn failures that are stereotyped with my nationality. Heck i just hate myself. I'm just in such an odd place right now, i really want to be with her but at the same time i dont. I know i'm not ready, i don't have the right mindset to be in a relationship at the moment.
She thinks I'm going to be the 'one' and fortunately i too have a similar view of her. Maybe thats why I'm so fearful of doing anything. I just have soo much doubt in myself that i'm only thinking of the relationship failing instead of succeeding. I guess its just the view that this decision could either turn us into soul mates or tear us apart making us strangers once again. I dont want to lose such a special person in my life, i really have no idea what i'd do without her. I've already lost one close friend due to a relationship and i don't think i want to experience that again (it just tore me apart so much knowing i cared for someone soo much who didn't care for me at all). And also i just don't think i'll have enough energy in me for another failed relationship.
haha i guess this is what life is all about, having enough courage to make choices that you know will tear you a sunder and being able to handle the outcome you don't want with the best of your ability.
And now this all just leaves me in a state of disarray, i really just have no idea what to do. And if the time presents itself, do i have the courage to overcome my doubts and insecurities and make the right choice for the girl of my dreams.
I really like her, heck i think i really love her
but will she really be the one I cant wait to love and cherish for the rest of my life?
or will she be the one i can't wait to forget?
No comments:
Post a Comment